What Would I Do If Everything Were Free for 10 Minutes?

I recently wrote the following on Quora in answer to the question, "If everything was free for 10 minutes, what would you buy?"  I actually think this is one of my better answers on that forum:

Everything is free, right?

Let’s start with the assumption that I can only have things that you CAN really theoretically acquire and hold because someone already owns it (so no, I can’t take the world’s air, world’s water, sun, etc.). Let us further assume that I get to keep everything I acquire. Then the answer is simple:

I take over every world government as well as acquire all weapons on the planet and then install myself as World Emperor.

What? You are saying I can’t do that? Sure I can. How do you think world leaders come to power? The only difference here is that I would be the ONLY world leader.

Of course, I will be a dictator. But I will be a benevolent dictator. There will be no more wars because I will own all government. Now everyone has to work together. Everyone will, of course, give me 100% approval ratings in all polls. Oh, and all government debt is hereby abolished. I need a clean slate. What? You don’t want to approve of my rule? That’s okay. This will still be a free world. Just remember, if you don’t agree then you do realize that I also own all the nuclear weapons, so don’t argue with me or Everyone Dies™. I see you are all in agreement now.

First thing we do is get rid of all those pesky tariffs and trade barriers. We are all one world now. No more borders. No need to worry about all those immigrants coming over to “your country” because there aren’t countries any more. There is just one world government. Under me.

Next, everyone is getting capitalism. None of this communist or socialist stuff. You want something, you have to pay for it. Except for me. I can have anything I want because I have the resources of every world treasury. Yes, I will pay you for your things. I am not a cruel dictator. Still, it is good to be World Emperor.

I am going to be reducing taxes by a LOT. Remember I have all the weapons. I don’t really need that much defense spending any more. Don’t really need too much law enforcement. I suppose we still need a little law enforcement but things will be much easier for a while without anyone having any guns. Yeah, I know my friends all thought I was a big supporter of the 2nd Amendment and all that but hey, if I’m the world emperor I don’t want anyone getting any ideas and shooting me or anything. Sorry gang, you can’t have any more guns. On the plus side, you probably don’t need them because the criminals don’t have any guns either. Remember, I took ALL the weapons.

Oh, and feel free to smoke all the pot you want. All drugs have been legalized. Prostitution as well. Same with gambling. All liquor laws except for those that allow those under the age of 21 to buy liquor are hereby abolished. Those of you in Quebec and Ontario, stop complaining about me raising your drinking age. Don’t worry about the Mafia, the Triads, the Yakuza — remember I took ALL the weapons, so organized crime no longer exists. But don’t get any ideas about marrying underage girls because the age of marriage is now 21. NO EXCEPTIONS. At first I was going to raise it to 18 but I really want to ensure that all women in my new empire get an education and are able to live on their own without having their families pressure them into marriage. The key to reducing population growth and increasing world income is to have highly educated women.

Speaking of education, I will return education to local control. Yes, that means I will let you all have local government. Not national government, mind you. There are no national governments and no state governments. Only my one world government. But I can’t literally do everything for everyone, so almost everything is being returned to local control either at the city or county level or both. However all tax revenue has to come to the central world government for redistribution strictly on the basis of population. Remember I got rid of all borders so people can go anywhere they want now. Knowing that your tax dollars will automatically be redistributed to every corner of the globe might ensure that all of you see fit to adopt my new libertarian/classical liberal philosophy that government is best that governs the least even at the local level.

Similarly, health will be returned to local control. Well, except for two things. I’m sorry but everyone has to have vaccinations. I just can’t have global pandemics in my new world order. Also the government will provide emergency medical care free of charge but only for real emergencies. Anything that can go to the urgent care unit goes to the urgent care unit.

I will honor all current pensions and retiree health benefits but we are going to start changing this system. I own everything and I do not want to have to raise taxes on all of you to pay for it. You all need to start taking care of yourselves going forward unless you are already in the system or over the age of 50. Those between 50 and 55 will get a 75% reduction in future benefits. Those between 55 and 60 get a 50% reduction. Those between 60 and 65 will get a 25% reduction. I can’t really ask you to play catchup as much then but those of you under age 50 certainly can. Remember I am also eliminating all social security/Medicare/Old Age Pension, etc. systems.

We are getting rid of income tax. I never liked filing taxes and I think that VATs are more effective. It will be on EVERYTHING and at a single LOW flat rate (probably about 10%). That’s so that we do not have efficiency issues. I know, you are thinking that isn’t enough to run government but look at all the stuff I eliminated from government (and read ahead for even greater reductions). I will probably generate a surplus every year. Of course, I do not have to pay any VAT. We are also going to have a death tax. Sorry folks but that which you tax you get less of and I want less death. I will start the death tax out at 10% of all assets. The death tax may be paid out in cash or in company stock if you have a business. Remember if too many of you are dying, I will be forced to conclude that the death tax is not high enough, so I might have to raise it. I, therefore, suggest keeping death to a minimum. It is good to be World Emperor.

Local governments may only institute a single tax on land, not property. That is the most efficient type of tax.

Oh, and I don’t want any more internal squabbles. Freedom of speech? Sure there will be freedom of speech. Maybe not so much freedom AFTER the speech if you criticize my policies, but . . . Just kidding. Well, sort of kidding. You can criticize anyone else but not me. Remember, I am World Emperor.

All websites must now install Be Nice, Be Respectful rules. That, of course, means that no lèse-majesté (insulting or showing disrespect to me) under penalty of Everyone Dies™. So glad that everyone is nice and respectful, at least towards me.

Oh, I know what you are thinking. Here I am invoking Everyone Dies™ and I do not own the trademark to it. So what? Is David Consiglio Jr. going to sue me? He can’t. I can invoke sovereign immunity to all lawsuits. Nope. I get to do whatever I want. Laws do not apply to me. It’s good to be world emperor.

Businesses? You all can have businesses. I am going to massively deregulate and eliminate all labor laws with the exception of worker safety laws, but don’t take advantage of the situation by trying to defraud people or refusing to pay workers what you promised them. I am a believer in contracts and contracts will be enforced. You are going to have to have clear labelling and tell people EXACTLY what you are selling. Stop whining about that. Business taxation is gone except for the single tax on land and the VAT. Don’t like the level of your single tax on land? Take that up with your local government.

No more welfare or unemployment or the like. I massively deregulated businesses. There are lots of jobs available. I will not pay you not to work. Go for it. Plus I also eliminated a whole bunch of taxes, so there should be a lot of charity available for the poor.

Religion? Hmm. Well, I think they all have to register with me. I will still allow people to have religion but no criticizing my rule from the pulpit or trying to install your religious laws at the local level. Oh, and you will have to stop with this ridiculous notion that people of other religions are going to hell. You can think it but stop trying to convert people with that nonsense. Come to think of it, stop trying to convert people, period. If someone wants to join a religion, they go to you from now on, you don’t go to them. I will let you advertise of television or in print, but none of this door-to-door stuff or trying to instill prayers in places other than your places of worship. Remember, criticize me and Everyone Dies™.

What about Laws? All laws that are based on offense to others (with the exception of lèse-majesté) are GONE. All laws based on harm to self - GONE. All laws based on harmless wrongdoing - GONE. Well almost gone. I do intend to protect the children, so no contract can be entered into by any child under 21 and children may not be prostituted or given drugs or alcohol. Parents will be responsible for their children until age 21. Come on people, I am a classical liberal libertarian, not an anarchist. Heck, I can’t be an anarchist. After all, I am World Emperor.

You should probably hope and pray that I never actually get the ability to be World Emperor (hint: it isn’t just me — you do not want ANYONE to become World Emperor because power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Unless you want me to have that power. Then, of course, hope and pray that I get it. After all, life could be a whole lot worse. Most people would not be anywhere near as kind as I am, as you can see from many of the other answers to this question.

Luckily, however, I have some great news! I have been to the future and have seen what the future actually is. This entire exercise was quite prescient in a way. Everything I tell you WILL come true in time. Therefore, I strongly suggest that you state your total and absolute agreement with this answer. Don’t believe me and plan on not state your total and absolute agreement with this answer? Not a very good response I would say. This is really the ultimate Pascal’s Wager - and you know that I exist. Just remember, when I become World Emperor I will go back and see who state your total and absolute agreement with this answer and you will be favored. Fail to state your total and absolute agreement with this answer and bad things will happen.

You see, I am keeping a list of people who view this but who fail to state your total and absolute agreement with this answer. Anyone who fails to state your total and absolute agreement with this answer needs to understand that if I ever become World Emperor, I will use that list. Not telling you for what. But let me give you a hint about it: Everyone Dies™

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 https://www.amazon.com/Spoiler-Alert-Everyone-Lighter-Annihilation/dp/154289302X